+I Just Smiled But I Was Scared to Death+

If you put two and two together. Yes I am pregnant. It's pretty scary. No more eating disorder though. I am forcing myself to eat. I feel like crap constantly. And I weigh 137 pounds!!! Thats like the highest I have ever weighed. I got engaged on February 12 to Justin. That made me really happy. If you wanna know more ask more. Much love.

Gosh, everything has been going horrible lately. I weigh 132.2. I haven't been able to diet or fast even though Justin said he would do it with me. What a good boyfriend. I'm not getting my Pomeranian because I have to fix my car, AND because I want to get a horse. I figure 2 dogs is enough, my Pit Bull and Border Collie take a lot of energy. Sitting in Biology totally not paying attention to the professor. I'm such a lard ass seriously. It's unbelieveable. OMG we went to Grizzly's this weekend. Total Gay Fest 2006. Like 10 of the 12 servers and bartenders there were gay. Then they announced a happy Birthday to Captain Winky, I was like WTF! My boyfriend and I were laughing so hard. Then the uberly gay bartender started singing when Destiny's Child, Lose Your Breathe came on the radio, needless to say I almost choked on my damn food. I need to buckle down. I'm doing so horrible :(. -Sabrina

Well I got a job. At a Candy Factory thingy, it's full time, so 40 hours a week. I'll be making almost 9 dollars and hour so I will definately be able to get a new car sometime this spring. I am starting a fast today! 4 more weeks until I get my Pom! Yay! My parents spent close to 500 dollars to fix my car. Yikes. I don't like it though, I want a different one. Leave me love. I'm outtie

Christmas eve; We went gambling we stayed until 4 o'clock in the morning Christmas day. Justin came out 100 ahead. I broke even. He also got a 1,800 dollar christmas bonus; and I got fired from my job. Hmmm. Some people have all the luck! Life has been hectic. I can't wait until I get my Pomeranian; the first of February! Yay!

Well. I got some cool stuff for Christmas. But a lot of shitty stuff happened too. Well the good stuff first. Well my parents gave me $200 dollars, a digital scale, measuring cups, cereal, a sweatshirt, a purse, from my man's parents I got a cute jacket from aeropostale, a small shirt from the gap in hot pink, Justin got me a Pomeranian! :D.

The bad things. I got fired from my job today. Well I fucking hate cows so I didn't care that much, what bothered me is my boss fired me to hire his cousin. That was pretty gay.

I went shopping today. I fit into size 1 pants!!!! YAY! Bought Justin a new hat for the one Dakota chewed up. And a shirt from Hooters when we went there. I ordered grilled grouper, i thought it was chicken, well it was fish so I didn't eat anything. Yuckies. Leave me love. I'm outtie!

I got Nicole Richie's book from my boyfriend as an early Christmas present. I read it within two days. I love it is such a good book. I couldn't find it anywhere until I went to WalMart to get some groceries for the boys and found it there. So I told him I wanted it and he bought it. YAY!

Haven't weighed myself in a couple of days. I hope I get a scale from my mom for Christmas. One of the nice ones. Not much else new besides the fact that I HATE cows. I'm outtie. <3 Leave me love

Okay. Well I weigh 129 today. Not bad not great. I have decided I NEED to quit smoking ciggies. They are so bad for me. Bleh. Plus my man really wants me to quit so I will. I am going to put a want list on here.
1) A new purse
2) Mercury Cougar
3) Chihuahua
4) Digital Scale
5) Digital Camera
6) Nicole Richie's Book
7) New Pairs of Shoes

See I am a simple girl. I don't ask for a lot. Haha. I'm funny. Well I'm outtie Give me some <3 my loves

Well I decided that over Christmas break (I have a month off) I am going to fast for two weeks. It will be great. I am going to purify my body. I have been so stresses out lately that my face has been breaking out. Eh. That's not good. So I have been using lots of noxema on it. I brought all my clothes to the new house. Holy balls that's a lot of clothes. But I am not buying any more clothes until I lose weight. I am so tired. I get out of class at 11 but I have to be at work at 11:45 to milk cows. Joy. Atleast I am burning a lot of calories. I need to eat before work so I'm gonna get a fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonalds otherwise I'm gonna pass out at work. Which wouldn't be very good. When I get home I have to clean the house. More calories burned. And then I'm probably gonna run with the dogs over to Justin's parents house, like I did last night, more calories burned. I found out on Christmas Eve alone I have 3 Christmas dinners to go to. I'll eat very little at eat. 129.5 today. Grrr. I know but I will lose it again. Finals next week. Wish me luck <333

Well I got a job. On a dairy farm milking cows. I know but I burn A LOT of calories there. I almost passed out today because my blood sugar got so low. I work at 3:30 in the morning. It will be hard to get out of bed.

I was 127 when I stepped on the scale today! Progress. I'm doin it. I feel better but not good enough. I want to be atleast 125 by Monday. I want a scaled that ready . whatevers not just halves and pounds. Thought I'd let everyone know what's new. Leave me love <3 Sabrina

Well all I had today was a little piece of chocolate about 100 cals, a plain salad about 50 cals, a 1/2 a cup of cereal this morning 200 cals, and spaghetti about 350 cals. So that means 700 cals today not bad.

I don't still don't have a job which totally destroys me. I hate feeling useless. It wouldn't bother me if I had money but I have about 12 dollars to my name until I find a job.

Took the Dakota to the vet today but I took Diesel with. They were little hellraisers.

Brakes are acting up in my car. Yay. That's all I need.

Well the one thing I've done right today is not eating too much.

Leave me some love.

Hey everyone. Haven't update in forever. Well for Christmas Justin got me a Border Collie puppy. She is so cute. I named her Dakota. I decided to get her instead of a Pomeranian because our Pit Bull needs a dog it can play with and now I have a running buddy.

Well after thanks giving and all, along with my period I weigh 128lbs. Just keep dropping from here. Never made my Thanksgiving goal. However I fit into size 0 pants. So yay! But I still need to lose weight. Going running today. Hopefully if the weather isn't too bad. It is snowing here after all.

Well we moved so I am constantly cleaning and running around and stuff so that is probably helping with the losing weight.

Anyways about 200cals for breakfast today. Not bad, not great. <3.

Well I'm 129. Yuck! But I'm going on a walk today. A long walk with my little pit bull. I'm so excited I found out Justin is buying me a Pomeranian! Yay! Other news. Katie my best friend is giving me a horse for my birthday!

Failed another test this time a bio test. I really need to start studying!

Justin had the flu this Tuesday night. Yuckies. I felt really bad for him. It snowed a lot so I didn't go to school yesterday.

Well this morning I had cereal. 200 cals! My goal for today is 600-800 cals!

More later.

Well I gained a pound I'm 128.5. Yuckies. I'll make sure it's gone by tomorrow. I'm gonna try to go without lunch but if i eat all I am eating is a small apple. I've had about 300 cals today. My goal for today is between 600-800 cals. I was doing great yesterday until Justin made me eat Hamburger Helper. Yuckie.

I took my Bio test today. I think I did alright. I hope I did alrite.

I applied at 2 places yesterday. Hopefully I get a damned job soon.

I wanna go shopping and buy pretty clothes.

Gonna post some pictures of me on the journal soon. Yay!

More later. Much love.

Ha-well lets see. I failed my econ test. Unless I get 100% on the next one I am gonna fail the class. So I am gonna study my ass off. I have to. I have to ATLEAST get a D. There is so much going wrong in my life right now.

However on the bright side I am down to 127.5. Woohoo. So that means 2.5 more pounds til my short term goal. I want to be 120 by Thanksgiving.

We have Tanya's Christmas present. I am so piss poor right now it's not even funny.

I have a science test tomorrow. I'll probably fail that fucking thing too.

I found out why Jefferson's didn't hire me back I guess I have turned inreliable and fucked them over too many times. I fucked them over like once. But okay whatever. I'll probably never get a damned job again and we'll live with Justin's parents for the rest of our life instead of moving out in 16 days like we planned on, unless shit changes around in a big ass hurry.

I want my little Pomeranian puppy. Diesel pissed me off last night. He slept in between Justin and me, he kept digging his nails into my back so I finally kicked him to the foot of the bed.

I can't wait to move out. The house needs a lot of work. But I'll be cleaning so much I'll lose weight. So that's one upside.

My mom leaves for Germany tomorrow. She wanted me to drive her to the airport but I have a test so I can't do that. I could skip the test if I want to screw myself over some more. So no probably not. I hope she brings me something good, she's bringing Justin German alcohol.

More later. Maybe.

This have been a fuckin' shitty week. I didn't work all week, not once! I started smoking again and quit again this week. Don't ask. No school tomorrow. Yay. I'm going deer hunting with Justin and Benji though. Oh joy another morning of getting up early. Hopefully I actually get a deer this time. I've been out there like 4 days now I better get one or I'll be pissed. I tried updating my journal but my internet connected and everything was lost so I haven't bothered to again until now. Back up to 129.5. My fat ass needs to lose the weight. I want to be 120 by Thanksgiving. I should be able to lose those pesky 9.5 pounds. I'm drinking lite grape juice, only 50 cals per serving. It's pretty damn good and it fills me up. I can't wait to move out. Only 20 more days. My baby just signed online. Yay. I love him. Loser he's going home from work 3 hours early. No fair. I don't want to be sitting here in class. Oh well.

I'm drinking Saturday. Big partay. So that will be fun. More later maybe.

I got let off of work early last night which was good because I got to sleep longer to I was more awake hunting this morning. It was bad because I don't get money for not being there. So this morning I got up at 3:30. Wow. That was early. Got dressed in my million layers for hunting. And had a normal breakfast some of which I gave to the dog. I'm a firm believer in breakfast because it starts your metabolism. Plus with Justin sitting there with me I had to eat along with the fact that I was going to be in the cold woods. Well I saw 2 deer. I could have shot both really easily but they were little so it wasn't worth it. On the way home for lunch I started feeling sick, and when we got home I threw up in the yard. After that we went to Subway and I got a 6 inch Chicken Parmesan sub, after that I had a Cinnamon roll and later a small bowl of Chili. Yes I feel disgusting but I am hunting and I'm burning lots of calories out there. That and I just won't have dinner then.

I have decided I can't buy anything until I get a new job so Justin and I can move out. We're going back out hunting so I gotta go. More later.

Okay even though I did really crappy last night. I didn't eat anymore after I posted though. I was 129 when I got on the scale today. So I was happy. I'm back on track today though. I've only had oatmeal and a quarter of a cup of orange juice. Not bad. I am getting so excited about moving. I really just want Justin and I to have our own little home. Plus, Justin said I could get a Chihuahua. Which makes me happy! Justin and I are going on another walk today. Justin can walk fast so I burn a lot more cals walking with him than I do walking alone. I love that boy. I got paid yesterday. Too bad that $100 has to go towards my cellphone bill. I switched my plan, so that it won't be $100 dollars every damn month. I'm getting really worried about this job thing.

I have to work until midnite tonite. And then I have to get up at 4 to go deer hunting. I am going to be tired. But atleast I will lose weight. So I'm happy about that. More later if I can.

Okay so I was doing good. I had gotten away with eating only oatmeal and 1 taco, then came dinner. I went to Justin's work with Diesel. And I saw my favorite oatmeal and raisin cookies in the vending machine. 330 cals. I thought for dinner that wouldn't be bad. But then I ate those and I was still hungry. So I bought Famous Amos cookies, that was like 360 cals. Then if that wasn't enough I ate more cookies, another 360 cals. Then I started feeling sick. I told my mom I was hungry and I was gonna stop by and she made me a bowl of mashed potatoes mixed with chicken. Then a small snack size pay day bar and a small snickers. So I went from 330 cals planned to like 1,500 cals. I hope I still lose a little weight tomorrow but if I don't it will just encourage me to keep going strong. I slipped up once, it happens, but I won't let it happen again. I applied for a job at Vanity today. I hope I get it. But I probably won't. I would love to work there. I feel like throwing up right now. But I swore up and down to Justin that I would never make myself throw up again, and I won't. I can stick to that.

No more eating tonite no matter how hungry I am. I can to this. I really want to be at 110 pounds soon. Deer hunting will help me a lot. Just walking around in the woods with no food. Yay! Justin asked me to promise that I wouldn't start starving myself again. I promised to do my best...I said I can't totally 100% promise that. I know I'll do better tomorrow.

Well Diesel has to go to the vet tomorrow. Plus I just received a hundred dollar cellphone bill. When it rains it pours. Justin said he would get me a little girl Pomeranian puppy. That would make me happy. A pomeranian or a doberman female pup. They would be all decked out in pink, ofcourse! I need to remember to take my birth control tonite. Don't want to get pregnant on top of things yet too. Even though everyone else I know is either pregnant or had a baby recently. Well hope everything is better tomorrow. After all it is another day.

Yesterday I restricted what I ate. I also went for a long and fast walk with Justin and the dogs. After breakfast I ate 2 tacos. I didn't want to but Justin bought them for me and he sat there and watched me eat them. So I didn't have much of a choice at all. For dinner I had a doughnut, yuckies, fat free strawberry yogurt and an apple. So I stepped on the scale this morning and I was 130. I know it's still 3 pounds higher than I was but it is better. I feel better and a lot more motivated. I know I can do this. I am setting my goal of 120 to the middle of this month right around the 15th. I know I can do it too. Exercising and not eating too much. I won't fast totally because I don't want to screw up my metabolism and it would be way to obvious to Justin if I totally stopped eating.

Still looking for a job. Gonna go apply at some places today. The sooner I get a job, the sooner Justin and I move out. The less stress we have. The cleaner our house is. It will be perfect. Just Justin, me and the dog. And maybe he'll get me a little Pomeranian or Chihuahua like I want. Ofcourse I still love my Pit Bull, who woke me up at 5 this morning because he wasn't feeling too good. Poor baby. I have a big test today. I hope I do good. I'll study. Right.... It's an essay test so I just need to know my shit and be able to B.S. my way through it. I'm usually pretty good at B.S.ing. So this morning I had Oatmeal, 130 cals and a sip of orange juice, like 20 cals, I'm guessing. It felt so good not to eat a lot yesterday. I feel like I have some control of my life. Yesterday all I could think was that my life was slipping away from me and there was no way I could stop it. I have a little control now. I'll get my life in order. I know I can do it. xoxox

What I have eaten today: Oatmeal -130 Cals
Orange Juice (1/2 cup)-55 Cals
Milk (1/2 cup) -65 Cals
Total 250 Cals

Today I weighed 134 pounds when I stepped on the scale. I was so disgusted I stopped taking my pills. I'm not gonna get fat because of some stupid pills that the doctor put me on. So I'm done with them, and gonna get back on track. I'm going for a long walk right after class, I'll take Diesel, my Pit Bull puppy, with me. My life is so stressful right now. Justin and I found a house we could move into with Diesel. It's only 400 a month. Which isn't bad at all. So I think we're gonna do that. I have to find a new job first. I'm sure I could make quite a bit of money as a waitress. I just really don't want to be a waitress. If so I want to be a waitress in a nice restaurant not some truck stop. Eww. Class is boring. Big test tomorrow. Better study. More later. Wish me luck! xoxo